I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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