I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
