What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
