I got chris browned last night
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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