Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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