1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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