brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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