i jhust puked up my retainher.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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