oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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