I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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