I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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