Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
