my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
