he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
