he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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