No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
