I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
