Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
