Duck Duck Cougar?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
