You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
