If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
