He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
