So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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