I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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