So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
