Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
