I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
