I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
