My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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