I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
