and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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