I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
