All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
