70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
