I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
