I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
