there's paper in my vomit.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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