woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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