I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
