She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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