In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
