my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
