White coat. Heels.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
