ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
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I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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