I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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