Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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