Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
