I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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