I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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