I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
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I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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