I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
