I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
