We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
