It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Two words: blizzard sex
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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