I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
