I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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