YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
