Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
