Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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