Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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