So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
